You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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