plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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