brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
