I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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