Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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