Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
