im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize