I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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