Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
We are all done wearing pants today
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
