I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
