Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
