Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize