I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i love accidental penises.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
