You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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