I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
