I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
