We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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