I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
