We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
