awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
