The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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