I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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