My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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