i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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