You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
