you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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