I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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