i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
