sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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