Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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