life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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