I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
