If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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