I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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