i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
