Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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