I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
