Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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