I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
