I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
