I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
