getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
