remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
this beer tastes like vomit already
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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