I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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