He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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