This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
