So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
