best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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