Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
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