She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I will pee on everything he values.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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