Duck Duck Cougar?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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