I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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