Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
