Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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