Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
