My first STD was from a foam party
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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