I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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