the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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