How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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