You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
